My review of New Moon, if anyone cares...

Hi everyone! So sorry I haven't been around, I hope someone is still reading out there, hello? hello?

OK, so I recently watched New Moon on DVD with some gal pals. This was my second viewing of this movie so I feel I have a solid understanding of this nonmasterpiece. First and foremost, the acting was, hmm, how should I say this? HORRIBLE! I loved all of the Twilight books and the acting did not do any of it justice.

"Bella" is a mumbler and she did not sell devastation very well. The scene, THE scene where Edward leaves her is supposed to be the worst thing ever. She basically walks around like Rainman mumbing his name a few times, trips over a log and falls on her face, and scene! Yup, that was it. Jeez, I show more emotion when I kill a spider.

"Edward" mostly stands around looking like he has a stomach ache and it looks like the director tells him before every scene: "Edward stands awkwardly in the background. Ok, let's roll!"

"Jacob"...hmmm Jacob is hot....oh wait, ok the movie....his acting actually was not bad. The funny thing about him is that he did not have a shirt on the ENTIRE movie and no one asks why? If I were in the movie I don't think I would be able to concentrate on my lines with him standing around like that, the fact that I am old enought to be his mother is irrelevant. I guess it's a good thing no one asked me to be in it.

Speaking of, I told a friend of mine that maybe I could have a part in Breaking Dawn? I could play a character that phases into a cougar and goes after the wolves....but I digress.

So, does this mean I am not going to watch Eclipse? No way! I plan to be at the theater with my popcorn and some friends and we will say we are there with our teenage daughters who ditched us.

Please forgive my lack of posting, I suck...

OK, I don't really think I suck, but anyways! I am so sorry I haven't posted lately, I have actually went to post several times but something always interrupted me. I can fill you in on some things that have been going on with me, which may or may not excuse why I haven't blogged in a while!

I recently got a "preliminary" pink slip. This means I am laid off until further notice, basically. There were 90 teachers laid off throughout my school district, this just blows my mind. Who suffer the most? The students!!

More fun news and maybe TMI...I have recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure, because you know, I am secretly an obese old man, jeez! WTH? I was so convinced there was a mistake, I have never had high blood pressure in my life! I told them that they needed to do it over because surely they did it wrong, ha! This is strange to me because I exercise, I eat right most of the time, I am not 60+ years old. Weird. I am trying alternative methods in dealing with this. I don't want to start on the daily meds thing quite yet. I don't want to have to buy one of those plastic weekly pill containers that help you remember your meds! OK, moving on...

Apparently my school has been built on an ancient indian burial ground because we have had some CRAZY stuff happen as of late. Well, more crazy than normal anyways...We had a student who has never been in any kind of trouble start a fight with another student, we were shocked! We asked her what on earth happened, she said "The devil got inside me." Hmmm. I may try that as an excuse myself in the near future.
We had some second grade students pole dancing at recess and then were flashing their "ta ta's". Yup, that's right! They were also "booty dancing" and when asked what they were doing they said they were, "Pretend strip club!" Ugh....
We had a fifth grader bring a Marijuana bud to show all his friends, he said he "found it on the sidewalk" on his way to school, mmmhmmm.
Last we had to have the police involved in a fight between a nine and seven year old, and they are brothers! Did you remember that I work at an ELEMENTARY school? I am afraid for our future after all this!

What else is happening around here? hmmm, oh yeah, for Lent I have decided to work out six days a week and to only put healthy food in my body, cut out after dinner snacks, drink more water,etc. How is this working out for me? I have been following my own rules and as a reward I have GAINED two pounds! I know! The universe is punishing me for some reason, maybe I was Hitler in a past life, or? OK, that is all for now. I will make an effort to post at least weekly, thanks for reading :)

Get Your Crab On!

My daughter's elementary school has a big crabfeed every year and it is a pretty big deal around here. Last year was the first time I had ever been to one but had to leave early so I didn't really get to see how involved these things are. This year I stayed for the whole thing and this is what I observed:

First, people are serious about their crab! People bring their own butter, candles and those little containers to melt the butter in. They bring crab nut cracker thingy's, and lemons and oranges. There is salad, bread rolls and pasta to act as "fillers" so you don't just eat crab, but the experienced people were onto that, and they flat out refused any food until the crab came out.

When the big aluminum containers of crab come out people yell, "CRAB!" when it gets near them. I guess this is in case the crab doesn't know what it is, which it doesn't, because it is cooked and not alive anymore.

The bigger your pile of crab shells are, the better! People were bragging about how big their pile was going to be and when they were done, how big their piles were. People were even taking pics of their used up crab shells, that is not gross or anything.

What are the oranges for, you ask? You bring them into the bathroom to wash your hands when you are done eating. They really help get the crab smell off. That is a good thing. What to do when you are done eating? Well, now is the part of the show where you dance!

And also, where apparently, you get stinkin' drunk. Ahhh, good times! I had not seen so many people drunk in one place since college! No one seems to be worried or ashamed by this behavior. It's like Mardi Gras, but local.

All in all, I had a great time! Now that I have some tips I will be at the next one ready with butter and bib in hand. If you have never been and you like seafood, I highly recommend it! Remember, they are always for a good cause, so you can feel good about your gluttonous, raunchy behavior!

Recurring fantasies, circa 1985-1990

So my recent addiction to the Twilight series (I know, I am a little behind the times) has transported me back to my early teenage years. I actually feel like I am fourteen or fifteen when I read them! I should have had a hint when I went to the library to try to find a copy and they sent me to the "Youth section."

I started thinking about what was going on for me at those times, where my head was at, what was important to me, etc. Then I remembered the oft repeated fantasies I had going on. Nothing dirty (that I will share) thank you very much! I had a few scenarios that I would replay in my head over and over from time to time during these impressionable years. First, let me preface by saying that all these fantasies are incredibly ego-centric, but that is what made them great! Here is a sampling:

The Hospital stay-This one involves me being in some sort of accident which almost results in my death. The guy I had a crush on would hear of my experience and come rushing to my side, telling me that when he found out what happened he realized how much we were meant to be together! This event caused him great distress and he had to get to the hospital as quickly as possible to tell me his feelings in case I didn't make it. Phew!

The Funeral-This is one I had for many years, often thought of during times I had trouble sleeping and obviously before I had kids. It could get very detailed, but most of the main points stayed consistent. The scene is my funeral, there is sad music playing, my boyfriend at the time is on suicide watch. People make these great speeches about how great I was, and EVERY guy I ever dated, liked, thought about, etc. was there, distraught beyond words....Ok, as I am reading back, this is hilarious! Aaah, youth....

The Wedding- This one is so narcissistic, that the groom in this fantasy doesn't even have a face! That is because I have had this one the longest, so it was ever changing. I am at a Cathedral somewhere, and everyone I know in the world is there. I walk down the aisle in the fanciest gown ever and people just gasp as I walk down the isle, in complete awe of how awesome I look! Again, every guy I have ever had contact with is (of course invited, and..) silently weeping at their lost opportunity, poor shleps!

So, now, I want to ask you what your (clean) adolescent fantasies were? Did you share any similar to mine? Please share, unless it is too embarrassing for you :)

Happy Friday!

Clarification: This person is NOT a freak...

She is my mom! Ok, so I have been on the fence about this post as my mom reads my blog sometimes and I would not want her to feel insulted. BUT after a few observations on this topic, I feel compelled to write about this phenomenon. I will just hope she has a sense of humor about it, like I do! I am talking about... Technology And My Mom (echoey sound effect). A confusing, frustrating, and funny combination. This has nothing to do with age, as I have noticed that since the early days of technology (tape to tape, answering machines, speed dial, etc.) there have been issues. Some classic examples:

Television: The TV in our house confuses my mom whenever she visits. Once I saw her with one of our remote controls raised high over her head and she was clicking and clicking it. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was trying to lower the volume of the TV. I said, "but why are you pointing it at the bookshelf?"

Also, anytime she has our remote in her hands she will inevitably change the output so that it ends up on some snowy channel with no volume, probably some station from like Nebraska or something. I have no idea how the TV ends up in that state, I couldn't do that if I tried!

Cell phone: My mom is under the impression that you must yell while simultaneously holding your hand in front of your mouth in order to be heard by the person on the other end. I actually have a picture illustrating this, but I won't post it, but it is funny, hee hee.

Home phone (aka "land line"): At one point I wanted to make life easier for my mom so I put all her important numbers into her phone thinking it would make things more convenient. All she has to do is push the phonebook button and then use the arrows to scroll. I have demonstrated this to her several times, but she still just hands me the phone and says, "can you call so and so for me?" After about four years of telling her all the numbers are in the the phone and you just have to blah blah blah, she will still go find her old black address book and look up numbers!

Social Media: My sis and I recently set up a Facebook page for my mom so she can stay in touch with some of our relatives. I know what you are thinking at this point, but anyways! One time she was at my house and asked if she could log in to her account from my computer. I did everything except put her password in and said, "There. Just put in your password and log in." I went back to what I was doing and after like three minutes I said, "Did you log in?" She was still typing and said she was almost done. I asked, "What are you typing?" Then I went to look and she was in the process of creating a new account!
Later, while we were on the phone, I was trying to explain how instant messaging worked and the dialogue between us was hilarious! Well, to me it was anyways..

Her: Where do I see who is messaging me?
Me: The bottom right hand corner, you should see my name...
Her: Where it says "news feed?"
Me: No, the VERY bottom of your screen, on the right... Her: I don't see any names...do I click on the yellow thing?
Me: Yellow thing?
Her: Yes, I see a yellow thing, should I click on it?
Me: I don't see a yellow thing on my screen.
Her: Oh, I clicked on it and now I am offline!
(followed by Spanish expletives)

And there you have it! I love my mom to death and hope that she manages to skip this post, ha ha! Happy Friday, and thanks for reading!

Why The Face????

Last week my Principal called me into his office and said, "We need to talk about your job...."
Ugh! Our district is in a serious financial crisis and as a result, there are going to be around 70 more layoffs this year. Principal also said if he were me he would start looking for another job NOW, and not wait. He said, "even if you need to break your contract..." WHOA! For those of you who work at a school, you know what this means. Sooo, let me know if you hear of any job openings for an awesome counselor! I have excellent references! OK, anyways, moving on...

So I have noticed some annoying trends in the world of Facebook that seemed to have leaked from the email world.....

One, the copy and pasted status updates...It says, "What's on your mind?" Not, "What's on your friend's mind." Not sure why people do this. I really don't need to read the same exact status update from all my friends.

Second, the implication that I do not support: breast cancer research, abandoned orphans, the amazon, the environment, finding missing children, etc. If I do not copy and paste! I really can't believe some of my own friends do this, I just shake my head.

The copy and pasted statements about what a phenomenal woman I am, ha! I would like it if it came from the heart instead of, "Fwd this to at least seven phenomenal women you know, or burn in Hell!!! " Ok, it's never anything that drastic, but you know what I mean. I guess I could just appreciate the message, right? I just have a pet peeve about these things.

It will be interesting to see what trends come about, I am waiting for the old, " FWD: FWD FWD: WARNING!!! PLEEASE READ! THIS IS SCARY!!!" heading to now makes its way onto Facebook or maybe it already has and I missed it? Anways, that's all I got for now!

Freak Magnet Friday! This one is fresh, just happened today!

I finally I have a Freak Magnet Friday story I can share with you all! Note: I have had several stories that I would like to post, but it is just too risky at this point in time. Bummer.

This is my last week off of work until Spring Break, so I have been really trying to enjoy these few remaining days. Today, as per my New Year's rez, I went for a 2.5 mile run even though it was freezing cold! Ok, I think it was 48 degrees, but that is close enough. I had dear 3 year old son with me so I of course had to bring the rickshaw, aka jogging stroller which always makes running that much more fun.

After my run we stop at the waterpark which is a neighborhood park that has a "Sprayground". This is a place that has a bunch of water squirting, dumping, splashing apparatuses for the kids to play with in the summer. My dear son asked me if he could go turn on the water for the sprayground and I told him the water doesn't come on in the Winter because it is just too darn cold. Plus, there is a sign that says the water will be turned back on in May.

Anywho...So dear son goes over and pushes the buttons that turn on the water and everything comes on, water everywhere, full force! We both just looked at the water going because neither of us thought it would actually turn on. This is when I see a maintenance guy standing by the bathrooms, staring at me. I looked at him because I thought he was going to say something about us turning on the water. But no, he just keeps staring until the moment becomes awkward, so I say: "Oh, I thought the water was shut off in the Winter."
Him: It is supposed to be off (heavy accent, it is apparent that English is not his first language).
Me: Yeah, I thought the city kept it off to conserve water, maybe we should tell someone?
Him: Yes, it is supposed to be off, I don't know why it is on.

At this point he walks over to stand next to me and watches the water spraying.

Him: (Serious tone) Do you want to take a shower? You could take a shower, you don't need soap.
Me: No....
Him: Yes, you should take a shower, go (gestures toward spraying water).
Him to my son: Hey, little Mister, do you want to take a shower? Go on, go in the water...
Then he actually tries to guide my son into the spraying water! I was like, WTF? So then I tell my son that it is time to leave the park and I go to get him into the rickshaw/jog stroller and this guy follows me! I looked at him confused. He stands right by me as I get son situated and at this point I am starting to have thoughts like, "Please don't kill me" and such. I get out of there as fast as I can and when I finally get to the main sidewalk I look back and he is standing in the same spot I left him in! Ugh, what a weirdo.

I think my mom may have jinxed me when she told me earlier that day to watch out for weird people while I was out on my run. I laughed and said I wasn't worried about that in my neighborhood, but I will keep my eye out, thanks.

Happy Friday! Thanks for reading and be glad it wasn't you!