Friday Freak Magnet story! 2/27/09

Today's story is not so much about me, as it is about a place I worked at four years ago. This place, for the sake of confidentiality, will be called Jerry H. Springer Elementary School. Founded 1965. This school had the intensity of a hospital ER on a full moon only it was like that everyday! I really don't know how any teaching or learning could even take place there, with everything that was happening peripherally. I mean, this is a school where the student's parents would take them to see a body when someone got shot. Yes, when, not if.
The events I am about to describe took place within a span of two hours.
Starts like this, and be glad you weren't there!: A mom of two of our students, boy in 5th grade and girl in first grade, calls me in a panic saying her daughter has been kidnapped by her father and she is going to get an "Amber Alert" put out. She is beside herself, as you can imagine. Shortly after that I go to the office for something and there is said girl in there with her father eating hamburgers! She looks at me and smiles and says, "Hi!" like nothing is going on! I am totally confused and I ask the dad what is going on. He starts yelling all these allegations about the mom, how she is letting strange men in the house, she is taking her sons medication and selling it on the street! He is so worked up that food is flying out of his mouth! I was with another counselor at the time and we walked out of the office, unsure of what to do, we were both speechless.
Then the mom comes in with her boyfriend who is still wearing pajama bottoms and slippers! Even though it looked funny, he was a scary looking dude! We knew trouble was here so we called the cops. Well now it's dismissal time for the entire school, great...Anyone who has been to an elementary school during dismissal knows how chaotic this can be. So while we are trying to get the kids off as quickly as possible the cops show up.
At this point the mom cannot restrain herself from trying to attack the dad so the cops had to put her in the back of their car. Then someone sprays Mace! People are running around in a panic, no kids, thank goodness! Random people are coming up to us begging for water to rinse out their eyes. All while this couple is fighting right out in front of our school. By now, all we can do is watch the insanity.
The mom's boyfriend yells out to the dad: "You better watch out, cuz I'm a Penitentiary Niggah and I don't mess around!" OMG! OMG! This school has gone crazy! So the cops take it from there, but that was one wild scene!
Later we wondered what he meant by his statement. Did he want us to know that he has done shameful things? Did he want us to know he is not above putting a cap in someone's @ss? From that point on our Principal called him "P.N."
That was just one of the many insane days at that school!
Happy Friday! Thanks for reading.

Ash Wednesday=the world loses it's mind!

Ok, I don't know what it is about today but it started out weird/bad and got weirder/badder, with some other stuff in between...

I will walk you through my day with a narrative to give you the picture:

First some background. I hate Wednesdays, they are my most chaotic, busiest days starting with the alarm clock going off in the morning. I have to get myself ready for work, daughter ready for school, and son to my sister's house. So, walk with me will ya? Here is how my day went:

I get the kids off OK but then realize I left my just prepared coffee at home, rats! I try to move on. I get off the exit for my school and I see a guy standing on the side of the street trying to get the attention of the cars going by. He has three balloons and a box. As I get closer he starts saluting me military style! Weird. I asked a teacher I work with if he saw this strange man on his way in as well. He said: "No but today is Ash Wednesday, maybe he is giving up his sanity for lent?"

I get to the school and see that there are absolutely no parking spaces available. I then see that some rude person has taken up TWO spots in the front row with their blue mini-van. This enrages me, as it is a pet peeve of mine anyways! I stomp into the office and loudly state: "There is a blue mini-van taking up TWO spaces in the parking lot and the parking lot is full!" One of our secretaries says: "Did you say a blue mini-van?" (smirking)

Me: Yeah, why?

Her: "That is Mr. S's mini-van!"
And by "Mr.S" I mean our Principal of the school! Such nerve!

I try to get some work done when I get the call from said Principal, "Got a minute?" Oh no, this is NEVER good. So I have to interview a student who is claiming to have been sexually assaulted by another student, this is elementary school, people!
I then go to La Bou for lunch, where who do I see walking down the street? Why, it's dear Red Hat lady! This lady looks about 70 years old and she wears a fancy red hat that ties under her chin, walks with arrogance, as if to state, "It is I, Red Hat Lady." Oh, and she completes the ensemble with flannel jammies. I see her walking down the street every once in a while, so her sighting today was not surprising.
So I get to La Bou and I get in line behind these two women that came in ahead of me. One of them turns to me and says, "Are you in line?" (Uh, duh...) I say yes. She tells me to go ahead. So I do but her friend goes, "Oh." and stepped out of the way as if I cut in front of her! I am now socially confused about what just happened. I mean they were standing there talking to each other. I guess when her friend said go ahead, that did not imply her as well. Jeez!

So I get back to school and I get trapped in the pick-up line because some ding dong has parked their car in the lane which leaves me stuck because now a car is behind me as well. I am livid once again! I go up to the the driver, who is napping, btw, and I say,"Excuse me, you need to move, you are blocking me!" He snorts, but moves, what a guy! I guess I shouldn't interrupt his noon naps.
The day just continues like that, one bizarre thing after another. I did have something happen that was cool. I have a student who I always pick up right after first recess on Wednesdays. She is in first grade, and she is a bigger girl with big, dark eyes. She is always breaking or spilling things in my office, but she loves her sessions! This happens every, single time. Starts like this, she sees me when they are lining up after the bell.

Her: (loud gasp) "Are you taking me??"
Me: "Yes, M., I am taking you."
Her: (Jumping up and down) "Oh yay! oh yay! oh yay!"
Then she body slams me with a hug. Every, single time.

If only every one was so happy to see me!

On a random side note. I was waiting at a traffic light when I looked at a "One Way" arrow sign that had *FUBAR* spray painted on it. I was like, really? Do people still say/write that? Nothing new since the '80's?

Happy Ash Wednesday!

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
My list of shame:

I did not eat macaroni and cheese with ketchup and Sriracha hot sauce on the side. That would be gross and campy! And I do not eat it at least once a week, sick...

I do not think the chemists ("Chefs") who created Doritos, Cheetos, and Pringles are geniuses every time I eat some. That' not even real food!

I absolutely did not laugh when I saw someone trip, even if it was myself. That would be rude!

I definetly did not call my Principal in his office this morning and ask: "Permission to kick a student's @ss, Sir!" and then laugh hysterically! And, he did not, repeat, did not say: "Permission granted!" once he knew who I was talking about! That would be totally unprofessional and unethical!

I did not buy Cocoa Pebbles for the kids even though they insisted on a Lucky Charms because I secretly prefer Cocoa Pebbles, that is not good momming!

Oh! That lady trying to frantically get her daughter out of the car in the wind and rain while holding an umbrella that fell apart whilst doing so, was not me! I was not holding an umbrella frame skeleton up in the air before realizing the entire umbrella had blown away, making me look like a crazy person holding some kind of old school antenna in the air about to get struck by lightening!

I did not need to "consult" with a fellow counselor while at work about a blog I just read. We also did not concur that reading blogs while at work just makes us better counselors. That is not a good use of my time, and I would never do that. And neither would she, btw...

I did not leave a kids Birthday party in a frenzied haste because my two year old son was acting out of control, while the people left at the party probably shook their heads and "tsk, tsked" about my parenting. That would never happen to me!

Happy Monday to you all! Don't do anything I said I wouldn't do! ;)

Freak Magnet Friday! 2/20/09

Today's story is just a random list of interactions I have had with my fellow human beings, all leading up to the reason I no longer make eye contact with strangers!

I saw a homeless guy right outside of a Mexican deli that I used to frequent. The food there was cheap so I thought I would be a good samaritan and buy him a burrito. As I handed it to him, he doesn't say the usual: "God bless you, thank you." He grabs my hand, looks me in the eye and says: "I want to kill myself!" Oh no.... He then goes on to tell me that his best friend stole his sleeping bag and his wife, he is so miserable he just does not want to go on. It was hard to blame him, so I just suggested he go to a shelter. I'm sure he never thought of that! But what else could I say? I have gone back to ignoring homeless people, poor souls!

One time, when I was around 30, my hubs and I went out for the night, then stopped at a liquor store to pick up some beer to have at home. I just waited in the car, and the sunroof was open because it was a summer night. All of a sudden, a group of young African American men surround my car and one of them pokes his head through the sunroof and says: "Hey baby!" I said: "What are you doing?" He said: "You looked so fly sitting in your car, how 'bout giving a brother a chance with love?" I almost died laughing! I said: "Honey, I am almost old enough to be your mom, isn't it past your bedtime, anyways?" Then of course all his friends say things like: "Damn! Shot down, that is cold!" etc. You'd think I would be a little freaked out, but the whole thing was funny. They leave and my hubs comes out, totally unaware of what just happened.

My BFF and I were staying at a youth hostel in France when I was eighteen years old. We were just hanging out on a bench in the front, when this man walks up to us and says (phonetically) "sigadet? sigadet?" We were like, "wth is a sigadet?!" Then we realized he was offering us a cigarette! Ohhhh! We said: "No, thank you." His response was to hiss at us! Like a snake! We looked at each other and fell on the ground laughing. Maybe a cultural thing? Maybe I will hiss at someone the next time they annoy me or reject my offerings of tobacco.

Brace yourself for this one, it's a doozy: Once when I was about nineteen I went on a date with this guy who wanted me to go to the bay area with him, so I went for the ride. He then pulls off into this scary looking neighborhood once we get down there and starts driving real slow. I said: "What in the world are we doing here?" He said to just hold on. I was convinced we were totally lost or something. Then these kids coming running up to the car shoving crack rocks, that's right! Crack rocks, in his face in a frenzy shouting: "Twenty dollars! Twenty dollars!" He grabs them from the kids and peels out of there, laughing (that's right! LAUGHING) about the fact that he just ripped off some juvenile drug dealers! OMG! OMG! OMG! I am surprised they didn't shoot us! This guy, btw, came from a very strict mormon family, I didn't see any of that coming. At... all. I think I blacked out after that, because I don't recall what happened after that.
I just remembered that my mom reads my blog...I wonder if she reads the Freak Magnet stories? I will find out that's for sure. When I was in high school and would be at the store with my mom, I used to try to embarrass her by shouting from two aisles away: "Mom! Mom! I found the Preparation H you were looking for!" I was really mature for my age. I'm sure she is proud...but I digress, as usual! Thanks for reading. Happy Friday!

Only at an Elementary School!

I was talking with a co-worker of mine about the type of "shop talk" one would hear if they worked at an elementary school. Further, I work at a school with a high concentration of poverty, so there always seems to be some sort of drama going on. Here are some bits of conversation I have heard or things I have observed while at work.

Mother of a 5th grade boy: "If he starts to fart again in class, call me and I will come take him home immediately!"

Partner of a parent of a different 5th grade boy: "Can you please ask Mr. S to stop using Star Wars analogies in his teaching methods? It reminds him of his dad, who he doesn't get along with."

A mom walked into the office to pick up her son. She came into the office wearing boys "tighty whitey's" on her head!

A 1st grade student's uncle called us to say that he was on Google Earth and saw proof that his niece was wandering off campus...ok...

A student's excuse as to why she was absent the day before: "I didn't wake up until 2 o'clock in the afternoon."

A parent's response to why her daughter was late all the time: "It's just not important to me."

A student was wearing a dog-tag with a picture of Tupac Shakur on it. I asked him if I could get a closer look. He said: "It's Tupac, he's a rapper." Assuming that I wouldn't know who it was. I do have some "street cred" you know!

A student wondered why he couldn't hang out in my office. I told him I had a parent in there and we were talking about "grown up things". He said: "That's OK. I won't tell anyone what you guys talk about."

A student from Russia came by to see me and had scabs on his arm where he said his cousin pinched him when she couldn't take his teasing anymore. He said: "I have a good life. Except for the pinching."

A 4th grade boy was discussing with a fellow classmate how much they enjoy coming to my office. One said to the other: "Yeah, you should buy her flowers." The other boy said, "What? I don't have that kind of money!"

A parent who is known to be a bully to other parents came up to the window in the door of the Principal's office while we were talking. She looked in and jiggled the door knob but it was locked. It reminded me of that scene in Jurassic Park where the dinosaur looks in the window, jiggles the door knob and snorts, fogging up the glass.

I will periodically post more on Elementary School shop talk as more happens!

Freak Magnet Friday! Tales from my life in retail...

I used to work retail for a number of years while I was going to college. Just a side note that my major was Psychology. In the early '90's I worked for about nine months at a well-known store at the Arden Fair mall in Sacramento that sold primarily leather goods. Coats, skirts, dresses, gloves, handbags, if it could be made out of leather we sold it! I learned that apparently leather attracts a lot of freaks (go figure). Here are some mini stories about some of the people I encountered while I worked as a sales associate. Btw, we did not make commission, but we always had the "wall of shame" in our backroom to show us who was making the best sales and who was making the worst. I remember thinking, "this does not motivate me in the least to sell more!" I mean, I was making $6.00 an hour for gosh sakes! But I digress...

The Cross Dresser: A man came in looking at our clothes. He was probably in his mid 50's and was rather tall and large. His demeanor reminded me of our family doctor. Professional, kind, etc. He kept looking at our largest sized skirts and was really checking them out. He asked what our largest size was, I told him 20 womens. He grabbed a size 20 red leather skirt and then very politely asked if I had any objections to him trying on the skirt! I told him whatever he does in the dressing room with our clothes was his business! I forgot about this guy until a couple years later I was sitting in a Philosophy class when it hit me where I recognized the instructor from! I gasped, and said, Oh my God!" out loud in the middle of class! Well, whatayaknow!

The pink-haired chick: This girl, late 20's, had bright, pink hair and brought a boatload of clothes up to the register. She wrote a check and we told her we had to verify funds. I called the bank and they told me, "Do not take that check!" Those checks were stolen. So, it takes us a long time to deal with all this. We called security and the cops while she was waiting. She then gets really impatient (instead of paranoid, which is what she should have felt) and says, "What the Hell is taking so long?" We kept telling her to wait, we were having trouble getting through, etc. and she just keeps huffing and puffing about having to wait for us. It took so long, that any self-respecting thief should have just got the heck out of there! But she stays, and ends up getting taken away in handcuffs! She also tried to blame me for setting her up!

The older greek guy and his young asian wife: So this couple comes in... he is in his 60's I think and is quite bulbuous, for lack of a better word. He introduces me to his wife who appears to be in her early twenties. He brags to me about how he owns a greek restaurant and gives me a business card with a picture of the restaurant that reminds me of the Pancake Circus building. They ask me to get a coat that is on a high hook, requiring me to climb a ladder, while I am wearing a skirt, ugh. My back was to them when he says to me, "When you are ready for a real man give me a call, I will show you what a good lover can do." I whipped around, because I couldn't believe my ears and he is standing there looking at me with his wife next to him just smiling at me! Eeew! As If!!!

The Cholo and his Mastercard: This young latino male, with lots of tattoos, long shorts and tall socks brings an insane amount of coats up to the register. He seemed suspicious because he would not even look at the sizes or prices of the items he wanted to purchase. Hmmm...I ring him up and tell him his total and he hands me a Mastercard that says the carholder's name is "Ronald Jones". It also stated that the card belonged to a member of the United States Postal Service. Now, I am not racist, but I was finding it hard to believe that: A). He was employed and B). That his name was "Ronald Jones". Sure enough, I ask for his ID and he says he lost it. So again, I tell him we have to verify the info. etc. and he tried to make some kind of comment about how he loves being a mailman! I almost laughed out loud! You really should have seen this guy! Anyways, we tell him we can't sell him the clothes without and ID and he just says, "Oh well." and walked away. I did get $100.00 for turning in the stolen card to the company. So that was cool.

The Playboy playmate: This (heavily bleached) blonde lady comes in and she is dressed like a streetwalker. Stiletto's, leather bustier, short skirt, big, ratted out hair, lots of make up. She looked a little rough, like she had partied hard one too many times. She starts telling us that it is imperative (my word, not hers) that she get the perfect leather outfit because she was going to do a photo shoot for Playboy magazine! She then had us all verify that she in was in fact, hot enough for such an opportunity. Whatever, lady! She flounts around for us all to admire her as she came out of the dressing room with each ensemble. She kept emphasizing that Hugh Hefner was very particular about what his ladies wear. This was just freakin' funny!

There are many more, but you get the picture! I sure learned a lot about people and their leather tastes, which was culture shock for a girl who just moved from a small, sheltered, farming community!

My little mama's boy! Or, I now understand my Mother-in -law, may she rest in peace

I have been really noticing how much my dear 2 yr old son is in love with me. I have actually noticed this since the moment he was born. He was not happy about coming out, I don't think he was ready, but I was the only one who could soothe him!
If I am getting ready to go anywhere (usually when I am putting make-up on, doing my hair, etc) he starts telling me, "Don't go, mama!"
Then he tries to cling on to me like a koala bear. Today, I was not going anywhere and he still was on me like white on rice!
Him: Hold me! Hold me! Reaching for me with a sense of urgency. So I pick him up and he puts his head on my shoulder. Me: So this is what we are doing today?
Him: Yeah. Then squints his eyes for full effect.
He is a needy dude! My saying about him is that when Dear son ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! He is always telling me he loves me, he misses me, etc. and I think, "this will end someday..." One day he will, statistically speaking, be a moody, teenage boy who won't want anything to do with me for a while! I can see it now:
Me: How was school today?
Him: Fine.
Me: Anything exciting happen today?
Him: No. (Then goes off to his bedroom).
So, I just try to enjoy his constant need to be with me, near me, held by me. I know it is fleeting!
Someday I will be replaced, just hope I am ready when that time comes!